For cheating in marriage the sure is if your partner comes home late at
night reeking of another person’s signature scent, but often, the signs of
cheating are far more subtle.
Whether you have a fleeting concern about new behaviors or are seriously
worried that your spouse could be having an affair, experts advise these
signals you should watch out for.
1. They’re reluctant to make any big joint purchases.
“Commitments like buying a house or
car indicate that the other person is in the relationship for the long run,”
says licensed family therapist David Klow and author of You Are Not Crazy:
Letters From Your Therapist. And, while it’s possible that your partner’s
hesitancy is just due to financial concerns, it can also be a tip-off that
they’re cheating—especially if this wasn’t an issue in the past.
2. They “forgot” to mention a night out.
People who are cheating “tend to engage in sins of omission,” Durvasula
says. “They operate on a ‘need to know’ basis, which is not healthy for a
relationship.” Although neglecting to mention that time they grabbed drinks
with co-workers could be completely innocuous—maybe happy hour just wasn’t that
memorable—if the behavior persists, it could reflect general dishonesty, Klow
says.
3. The phone goes everywhere with them—even the bathroom.
First, a caveat: Some people are seriously hooked on their phones and tote
them along out of habit, or boredom—that doesn’t mean they’re cheating, Klow
says. The issue arises if this is suddenly a new thing for your partner.
“They know that messages from the
other person can come at any time,”
4. And, they’re constantly texting.
“If your partner’s actions start
changing, then it might be a sign of infidelity.” It could also be that their
friends are having a tough time, or they’re wrapped up in work. But if it feels
off to you, ask what’s going on, Klow says. The way they respond can be
telling.
5. When you talk, they rock back and forth.
By now, you two should be pretty comfortable chatting. But when your cohort
is hiding something, look for unusual (and often unconscious) habits, suggests
body language expert Lillian Glass, Ph.D. “Rocking back and forth shows they are
nervous around you,” she says.
6. Plus, they started slouching.
If their perfect posture has suddenly given way, that could be a red flag.
“Hunching over is retreating into the fetal position—something people do when
they feel ashamed or they know they have done something wrong,” Glass says.
7. You’re getting a lot of gifts.
Cheaters do this to “cover the stench of guilt,” Durvasula says. Take note
if your partner also seems to be peppier when they’re piling on the presents.
“People are sometimes in a better mood than usual when they cheat,” Durvasula
says. “Their cheery countenance, coupled with a need to please and throw a
partner off the tracks, can result in a generous change of behavior.”
8. They’re more focused on their appearance.
This could mean a hairstyle change, a recent fixation with the gym, or a
splurge on new clothing. Sure, this could be part of a New Year’s resolution or
a desire to please you, but it’s important to know that when people cheat,
they’re more aware of their looks, Durvasula says.
9. They overshare.
You asked how the office party was. They rattled off the entire guest list,
all the hors d’oeuvres that were served (and when), and a minute-by-minute play
of what went down. That’s TMI.
Cheaters will often create long tales about strange stories and places they
have been that day to act as an alibi.”
10. Or, they stop filling you in on the details all together.
Regularly hearing that their day was “fine” when you used to get into the
minutia is enough to raise an eyebrow. With cheaters, “the most interesting
aspects of their day may relate to their new flirtation,” Durvasula says. “This
can be more devastating than sexual infidelity as it implies the intimacy of
day-to-day life is now being shared with someone new.”
11. They’re always on social media.
This is most notable when they regularly like people’s posts that you’ve
never heard of. Don’t hesitate to ask who @SexyBae007 is, and how he knows her.
“Talk with your partner about the other people you each interact with,”
12. The ATM has been getting a lot of action.
Credit cards are easy to trace; cash isn’t, Durvasula says. If they used to
obsessed with racking up rewards points and have now switched to paper, it’s
worth asking about.
Of course, there could always be a simple explanation for a switch in your
partner’s demeanor that has little to do with cheating.
But if these actions feel familiar, and you have no idea why, it’s time to
ask the tough questions. Hopefully, there’s a good reason why they’re acting,
well, shady. Either way, you have a right to know.
